i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
