This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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