I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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