i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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