i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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