Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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