either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize