I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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