You smell like a Billy Joel song
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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