Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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