i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
