Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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