I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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