birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
All the doctor said was why
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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