We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
