tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
