Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
