I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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