I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
