I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
