I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
