I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
