i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
So apparently I’m into choking now
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