When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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