in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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