I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
