Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?