Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
