There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
