Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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