dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
