Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
You're a waste of cheezeits
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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