I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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