You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
