The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
