god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
