apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
