I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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