Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
