I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
