??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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