So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Randomize
