I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
