my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize