I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
