the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
it's like heaven, but drunker
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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