do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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