i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
The beer is more important than you right now.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
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