if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
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Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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