dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
