a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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