Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
