dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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